The other night as I was walking to the bus stop on the way to a meeting and I pondered aloud "I wonder if my mom even thinks about me..." This thought contains a bit of self-pity and delusion. Of course she does. I guess if I wanted to wonder something in that realm it should be about how often and what.

When I disregard my own baggage, pride, and self-defeating thoughts, I really would like to patch things up with her. I feel like I always hit a wall though. Even if I don't ever live with her again, it would be nice to at least go to lunch with her some day or like, get some of my stuff out of the house. I want to at least be civil with her. She doesn't have to agree with my crazy sex life which she wouldn't even had known about had she not gotten into my e-mail and read about my personal life. I am not expecting her to accept me wholly or even to be my mom right now. I just want to have some sort of relationship with her. I know I may have fucked things up, but really. I don't know what I did that was THAT terrible that she just can't stand me. Like I know I was a bitch to her at some points in my life and was a bad bratty pissy kid and teeenager. But really, am I this horrible that no one wants to be around me? Evidence suggests otherwise but maybe I'm totally unbearable. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing anymore.

I just miss her. Fuck.


I went jobhunting down in the Mission yesterday. This triggered a series of negative thoughts as I heard the repetitive "No." to my question " Is there any job availability here?" There were a few places that said they were taking resumes which of course my mind used to delve deeper into negativity with thoughts of "That's nice. I have no resume because I have no job experience and nowhere to print out said resume because I'm homeless."

I was talking to my birthmom on Facebook chat and of all places and times, she said she has been thinking a lot and told me she really regrets giving me up for adoption. I cried a lot obviously. I told her she not to be sorry and that regret only causes pain. I really hope she doesn't blame herself for my current living situation or any of this shit. Life fucking happens. It's no ones fault. I could say that I regret getting into drugs or joining the psycho circus but I think all of this shit happens for a reason. I just hope I don't die before I figure this shit out.

On a lighter note, I think I might try to figure out a way to go to FurCon. I'm sure I can figure out a way to do it without blowing a ton of money. I know a hot boy who I met a few years back who will probably help be tag along.



Other than that I have no idea what my plan of action is right now. I'm feeling angsty and apathetic. ASDFGHJKL.



If nothing else, I fucking love my tattoo. Even if everything goes to shit my tattoo is still awesome. Thanks ~jovino.